One Year Ago

When I started this journey May 24th last year, I could hardly imagine how my life would look today.  What I knew for sure is that I was determined to make a difference in my life.  Whereas I had put others first and had demonstrated an ability to see all of that through, I really wanted to see what my own life would look like if I concentrated on myself.  My friend gets in this evening and one of the things she really wants to do is go dancing downtown and, of course, she wants me to go with her.  I've already chosen what I'm going to wear and I can hardly wait.  I was never really one for downtown but tonight will be different.  Everything is different, in fact.  When I hit one year on Tuesday, things will change again.  I'm also considering that I might close the chapter on one part of my life, and that is, my daily ritual of writing my thoughts on this page.  It's not that I've grown tired of it because I rather enjoy coming to my computer each day.  There's something else I've got to figure out.  There's still one thing nagging at me and that will take a lot of quiet reflection, I believe.  Just as I conquered all the Chinese food, the dreaded soft drinks, and all that late-night eating, there's one more hurdle to overcome.  It's been at the top of my conversations lately and it's the most significant thing I have had to consider as of late.  I'm going to take the time to explore this, to understand it, and to ask the important questions that might just take a while to answer.  I'm going to think about all of this over the next few days.  Let's see what that time holds.  Until then, tonight will be our night to shine!

One Long Weekend

This weekend is going to be a little tricky for me.  One of my best friends is coming back to Newfoundland and it seems she has planned our entire weekend around all of our favorite restaurants.  I admit that I have been known to eat out quite a bit, but as of late, I am really limiting the amount of restaurant food I put into my system.  Now, it seems, I'm in for an entire weekend of favorite breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.  I'm not quite sure how all of that will go down, but I like to think that I can safely put a hault on any extra indulgence that might be tempted to come my way.  It's so easy to link food with good times and I guess on some level, we've all had experiences with such a theme to it.  I remember on my birthday two years ago, my friend hosted a party for me at her home.  She cooked for two days.  I think we all rolled out of there.  There had to be at least forty platters of food and each one was piled as high as the eye could see.  I seem to have my second birthday coming up on Tuesday and I have already hinted to a friend who likes to bake cakes that I like to eat them.  I don't suspect there will be any candles on that cake.  In some way, I like to think I already have my wish.  I'm living it.  For now, I'm just going to pay attention over the next few days.  It will certainly be nice to have my friend back home and to share so many good times.  I'm going to weigh in with the new trainer on Tuesday.  I'll report back if anything has changed!

One Little Piece

Recently, I discovered a special chocolate from Coffee and Company.  It's just a little piece and its flavor is Strawberry Cheesecake.  Does it ever taste like Strawberry Cheesecake, too.  Now, in the past, I could sit to a full box of chocolates and my stomach would hurt after the fact.  Once you get the code figured out, you go for the best flavors and you eventually discover that even the least attractive ones become more attractive as you get to the bottom of the box.  I remember turning my nose up at the coconut ones and the dark chocolate fudge, but when they were the only two left, their appeal increased exponentially.  That was the old me.  With my new discovery, I limit my intake to just one or two per week and I get them at the end of my evening walk.  I take my time to savour each little bite.  While I'm sure that I could eat several each evening with little consequence to the bottom line, I tell myself something more powerful.  I don't often view any food as a treat, but I will in this case.  That one perfect little piece will always be waiting for me whenever I decide to stop into that coffee shop.  It's one more little favorite little thing that I don't take advantage of, but rather something I allow myself to have whenever that little need for chocolate starts poking its head in.

Happy Birthday to Me

As I like to think, my second birthday is coming up on May 24.  I will be turning one next Tuesday.  I've thought long and hard about what I want to do to celebrate that day and today, I've discovered what that will be.  My gift to myself (I'm probably the only one that really sees it as a birthday) will be a fresh start.  This evening, I spoke to a personal trainer/nutritionist, and we've set next Tuesday as the day we will first meet to review what I have been doing and what I have accomplished over the past year.  I told him I want to step it up a notch, that I want to go all the way with this.  I shared that I have been walking three hours a day for many months now and while I'm proud of my 72-pound weight loss, there's still more to go.  What I want is to find out more about nutrition.  I want to know if the cup of tea, the orange, and the raisin bun with jam that I have each morning after my walk is the right thing to be doing for myself.  I then typically have my lunch at Hava Java where I find their soup (made by Belbin's) is simply divine.  There are five that they shift up every day and I embrace each one with anticipation.  I actually think they do the best soup in the city at the best price.  My evening meal varies.  I realize I'm not as strict as I once was and while I haven't gained any weight back, I haven't lost much else either.  It's time to change that.  Even though I filled one closet this evening with all new clothing, I'd be satisfied to let all that go with all kinds of new things if the weight continues to fall off.  I don't remember ever being skinny and I'd like to find out.  I know I can get there.  Even though I've got some wonderful new suits, I know there are more out there.  I'm happy to spend my money on that sort of stuff rather than Chinese takeaway several times a week.  Oh, I'm so excited about next Tuesday.  Let's see where my life goes from there.

Video Gotcha

Whenever I'm in my car, it is usually tuned to CBC radio.  I like the opportunity to expand my mind and to listen to something other than screaming ads that the more popular radio stations offer.  Today, I heard an interesting story of a bus driver in Rome who was busted when one of his passengers took a cell-phone video of him.  As it turned out, the bus driver was on two cell phones, using one to talk to a service representative while setting up his email on the other.  The entire time, he was driving with his elbows.  It just sounded so ridiculous, but, of course, believable.  The host of the radio show offered up a national, one-thing-at-a-time day and then suggested it should be an international day.  I quite agree.  It reminded me of something that I often see as I walk through my world and that is, people who are multi-tasking as they are taking their exercise.  It happens whenever I pass someone in their workout stage of their walk and they happen to be on their cell phone.  It seems to me that one defeats the other.  How can you concentrate on your exercise while you are chatting on the phone?  I never take my phone with me as I walk.  The way I see it, that walk is more important than anyone who might be phoning at the time.  Whatever I might have missed will be waiting for me when I get back to the car.  So, it's not so much what I missed, but what I have gained by concentrating all my effort on what I am doing and that is, walking and looking after myself.  In Women, Food, and God, Geneen Roth uses the same ideology for talking about taking our meals.  You need to be present to the food, she says, without interruptions of watching television.  For her, there can only be one true task at mealtime and that is, taking the time to eat your food.  I guess there are times when multi-tasking would be a benefit (housekeeping included) and other times when it just doesn't serve you to to be doing more than one thing at the same time.  I guess that bus driver will have plenty of free hands with no more steering wheel in it.

Dirty Dishes

When I was younger and living home, there were always plenty of dishes to wash.  I was always the type to clean off the table first, rinse and stack all the dishes first, clean off the counters, then I could start washing.  It was something that I always took my time doing.  Now that I have my own place and my own dishwasher, I still look after all the delicates by my own hands.  I wouldn't dream of putting a china cup in the dishwasher, let alone an entire place setting.  Those are the things I still take care of gently.  Sure, it takes a lot of time, but I just think about how fortunate I am to have such lovely things and I take great pride in looking after my stuff.  Essentially, it goes back to something I believe in and that is, you have to appreciate and nurture every step along the way.  Whenever I have a tea party at my home or a special dinner, it takes hours to clean up but I take my time, giving thanks for every cup and everyone who was here to enjoy it and I eventually find my way back to the place where everything is washed and put back to where it came from.  I use the same mindset for other things in my life.  When I start walking at 6:00 in the morning, I don't wish my time away until it hits 7:30 and I stop for tea.  I embrace every minute of that hour and a half.  I give thanks for every step.  I enjoy each moment thoroughly.  I can say the same for the housework.  I've learned to enjoy and give thanks for every step in the process and not just hold my breath until the end.  Even in this cold, I'm still walking, still giving thanks, and still smiling. 

Peeling Back the Layers

Many years ago, I inherited one of my grandmother's small accent tables.  It had been painted over and in my determined state, I began sanding it down by hand.  After removing the first layer of paint, I soon discovered there was another.  This discovery was met with yet another layer and that went on and on.  I thought to myself, how many layers of paint are on this thing?  There had to be wood at some point.  I carefully took my time and eventually, I got to the real thing.  After a good coat of varnish, I was the proud owner of a piece of my grandmother's home.  I remember she had such nice stuff.  There were interesting china cabinets filled with the most interesting china.  I also remember there was clothes in every closet and in every cupboard.  I also remember when you went to bed, you were essentially pinned under the weight of all those quilts.  I guess that was the only place left to store them--on the bed itself.  I was fascinated by my grandmother's stuff and I now have that table as part of my memories of her.  Today, I came to a realization that my life is much like that table.  For the past year, I have been peeling back my own layers.  There was an incredible layer of fat that had to go.  There was another layer of bad food choices that needed to be scraped away.  There was a thick layer of the wrong thoughts that kept me stuck.  Finally, there was another layer that had someone's name on it.  That was the last to go.  Once you remove all those layers, you're left with an incredible work of art and in this case, it is me.  Just like refinishing that table, my life didn't recreate itself overnight.  It's taken a full year to do all of this.  I'm careful not to say I'm done because the minute I say that, I really am done.  I'll just keep putting a layer of polish all over myself every once in a while.  Not much work will be required for that, however, as I've got a smile from cheek to cheek that shines all over me everyday.

Gratitude

Whenever a present shows up on your door, it's so easy to be thankful for that.  It's, perhaps, not as easy to offer the same thanks whenever that same door comes crashing in on you.  Throughout the past year, I've had plenty of presents on my door and without a doubt, it's come crashing in on me as well.  What I have learned is to give thanks for both experiences.  When I say thanks, I really mean it.  I always look to the learning in each experience that comes my way.  Lately, there's been something nagging at me and it was quite something else to say to the world, thank you for giving this to me, but I did.  Even in the moments of deepest confusion, I still looked to the learning and I asked the important questions.  Today, I was the recipient of yet another gift and I can't help but feel it came as a direct result of looking at the tough experiences that I've endured lately and being grateful for those.  I know that might sound unusual and on the surface it is, but it's much like walking in the poor weather.  It's easy to look up into the sunshine and say thank you for this beautiful weather, but imagine saying that when the cold and the rain are beating down on your face.  Even in the midst of weather like that when my hands are turning blue, I can still look up and give thanks.  What I am thankful for is the strength to keep going in that weather.  I am thankful for my determination and to see that it doesn't diminish even when it is so easy to give up.  What I am most thankful for is that moment when I am finished walking and I can look back and simply say, I did it.  For the past four years, there has been something in my life that was often quite difficult.  For the past three days, I have emerged from that.  No doubt, the gift I received today was a blessing that reminded me that all it took was the courage to hang in there and keep on moving.  Again, I'll just keep giving thanks.  What a day this has been.

The Other Side

It seems for years, I have heard the expression, the grass is always greener on the other side.  It made me wonder what kind of grass already exists on the current side and why there would be some better grass somewhere else.  For me, it's really about the contrast.  It's not that one side is less better than another.  I was just curious to see what was out there.  It's much like a feeling that came over me around 5:00.  For a reason that I could loosely understand, the feeling of wanting Chinese food came over me.  I even called a friend to see if I could invite her along.  The thoughts of that food weren't completely thrilling, but it did cross my mind.  As I thought about that, I knew what was waiting on the other side of that.  Those egg rolls would go down great, but the suffering would soon set in.  I'd feel all bloated and just yukky afterwards.  A friend described that feeling perfectly when she said, it's like pooping in your pants--it's only good while you're doing it!  So, tonight, I decided that I didn't want that feeling.  I wanted another one.  I wanted to know what was on the other side of resisting that call to egg rolls, so I decided to walk instead.  I punched in a full hour and a half and that feeling of sweet and sourness soon left me.  So, what was on the other side of doing something positive for myself?  The first thing is I don't have to live with the guilt of turning to the wrong food.  I also get the satisfaction of knowing I actually did something really good for myself.  Sure, my feet are killing me right now, but that will pass by morning.  I'm soon heading to bed, so I'll get to do this all over again the minute I wake.  Perhaps the best thing is I get to share this feeling with anyone who happens to be reading this letter of accomplishment.  I eventually settled for a six-inch sub, and while it wasn't the best choice, it was quasi healthy.  I just finished two oranges that made the experience complete.  Now, it's time for bed.

The Sound of Music

Whenever I go to the supermarket, it's always boneless, skinless chicken breast that finds its way to my cart.  While there is an option for chicken thighs or chicken breast with the bone in, I choose to spend my money on the best I can get to eat.  You pay a premium for that, of course.  It's much the same with my sneakers.  The way I see it, you really want to spend money on the best that's out there for something you spend so much time in.  I'm just back from my walk, and though my feet and my legs are tired and sore, I know I'm looking after them with good footwear.  The same goes for my bed.  It was worth all the money I spent on it.  So, while there is plenty of stuff that I'll happily put the money out there for, what I won't spend money on is a brand-name label on the front of my sweatshirt.  I don't need to be a walking billboard for someone's designer name, though you see that kind of stuff all the time.  When I walk, my clothes are comfortable, warm when they need to be, and they need to have the qualities suitable for a long, daily workout.  The other must is my music so you can imagine my horror when after almost a year, my earbuds gave out.  Halfway through my walk this morning, one side gave out.  My music was reduced to a faint sound.  I knew I needed a new set of headphones.  The only ones that really appealed to me were an expensive set.  I wondered if it was necessary, but I took them just the same.  As I walked this evening, the first thing I discovered was that the wire was much shorter on this set so I couldn't walk with the MP3 player in my hand.  It had to go in my pocket.  How annoying, I thought, but I didn't let it get me down.  Then I turned it on.  All I can say is WOW!  The sound was unbelievable.  My music never sounded like that--ever.  It sounded just like being in a concert hall and hearing the performance--live.  Actually, I've never been to a concert so I shouldn't be so quick to make that comparison.  I could have walked all night.  I think I did.  I wanted to hear all 173 songs the way they were meant to be heard, but of course I only made it through some of them.  I will hear more tomorrow morning.  How interesting, I never thought that spending money on something like headphones could make all the difference to something that I thought was so simple.  My wallet will remain open to such new things just as my head will be. 

My Teacher

A number of years ago, I was interviewed by The Telegram for their Sunday feature, "20 Questions".  It was a real honor for me to have been chosen by the paper and I remember one of the questions talked about favorite sayings.  My response was immediate, I told them I love the expression, when the student is ready, the teacher will come.  This morning, I was ready and this afternoon, my teacher came.  I took a friend out for Mother's Day and over our slight breakfast, we talked about the things that we still hadn't figured out.  I guess there will always be such things in our lives, but I was holding onto a big one and more than I wanted to be free of the hold it had on me, I wanted to understand it.  It's much the same with wanting to understand the Chinese food, the cake, or all the eating that took place in times other than meal times.  I got to the source of the eating, but there was still one thing nagging at me.  The good news was I was open to the learning.  It was just as much my addiction as the food was, yet I resisted it at all levels.  It's incredible how we can talk ourselves into almost anything.  This evening, my friend (the soup lady) took the time to listen to the story of my life.  It really takes a good listener.  She became my teacher.  More than ever, I understood other aspects of my addiction.  That understanding was liberating.  As I walked this evening, there was a lightness to my step and it was new.  I wondered if it was my new sneakers that I was wearing for the first time.  I'm sure that was part of it.  The greater part was the hundred pounds that instantly lifted from me once I got the lesson.  As I walked this evening, I actually felt like I was floating on the sidewalk.  It was almost as if my feet didn't touch the ground.  I couldn't be happier this evening.  I stuck with it.  I didn't eat that feeling away.  I allowed myself to feel it.  I asked myself the tough questions about it and through the kindness of a really great friend, I got to understand it.  Imagine, four years of the same question.  Tonight, my teacher came.  Now, I have even more reason to celebrate in a couple of weeks when I hit one year old.  Yup, I'm just a child!

Mother's Day

The way I saw it today, there would hardly be a Mother's Day if there wasn't the product of a mother, and in this case, the product is me!  It was just the excuse I was looking for to devour some cake.  The other day, I had safely delivered a glorious cake to a very special mother in my life and all I could call my own was the drizzle of icing that had found its way to the box once I transferred it to a proper glass cake plate.  It called my name.  This evening, I made a special trip for my own Mother's Day cake.  I went to the Sobey's that boasted a completely renovated store and it lived up to its promise.  The first thing in my basket was a cupcake that was twice the size of any other normal cupcake.  Alas, I had found my cake.  On the top was  a smothering of orange-flavored icing, chosen only after I carefully reviewed all the other flavors lining the showcase.  After a few healthy snacks found their way to my cart, I beat it home for my celebratory confection.  An hour later, I can safely report that it was a big mistake.  It was less than fresh, but more importantly, it was just so sweet.  I really don't choose sweets the way I used to, but tonight, that cake called my name.  It went right to my head.  Funny, I do know the difference, but all sensibilities shot out the door and I was left with the nagging feeling that this wasn't the best thing I could have done for myself.  Well, there's little else I can do right now except pick myself up, dust myself off, and recognize that I really shouldn't be at such things.  I think I'll leave the celebrating to the ones that really deserve it--the mothers.  I'm sure mine will have a glorious day tomorrow, with or without cake.

New Clothes

Today, I found myself in a lovely new suit.  I couldn't have felt better about how I looked as I moved through my day.  This suit was solid grey and when I brought it home about a month ago, I waited patiently for the day I would put it on my back for the first time.  That time was today.  Amidst a very full workday, there was lunch with a friend at India Gate for their lunch buffet.  You can imagine my surprise (and maybe delight) when I put on that suit this morning only to discover that the pants were now too big.  The jacket was still fine but the pants really surprised me.  I wanted to wear that suit, so there was only one thing to do.  I popped in a movie in my craft room and set up the sewing machine.  I carefully took in the waist and then I realized I had to do the same with the legs.  It took only about twenty minutes and then I steamed those pants until they were unrecognizable as having been altered.  You can imagine my delight in my brand new suit.  It seems my waist size is still going down though my chest measurement remains the same.  You won't hear any complaints from me on that one.  I'm not even complaining about the wicked weather.  This evening, along with this morning, it was freezing cold as I walked.  I think I had a smile on my face the entire time.  I think I was alone this evening as I walked.  The rain beat down on me but I proudly kept one foot in front of the other.  It's because of all that effort that my suit was just a little too big for me today.  I think I'll keep my sewing machine permanently set up in that room.  I've got another new suit waiting for me in my favorite color of brown.  I suspect when I got to put that on, it will need a little gentle altering.  Luckily, I know how to take things apart and how to put them back together perfectly.  Gee, I guess I could say the same for my life.  Lucky me!

Nike

At first glance, the name of this post might suggest a conversation about new sneakers, but it isn't.  What I like about Nike is simply their logo, "Just Do It".  It's pretty simple, just do it.  It kinda reminds me about the good china and good crystal people sometimes have in their home that just sits there.  It usually takes a special event or some special occasion for the dishes to come out.  I remember a set of china of my own that I was saving for a special friend once I passed on.  I knew it was her colors of pink and green and I also knew that the likelihood of my ever using that china was quite slim.  In a flash, I woke up.  Why should she wait until I was dead to enjoy that china so last year, I packed up every piece and off to her home I went with those dishes.  She was thrilled and told me should would enjoy that china every day and would eventually eat the flowers off the plates.  That china gets used every day.  When you use something like that, it brings additional joy into your life.  It's much like my new sneakers that sat in the closet for at least six months.  I was so proud to have them.  I knew I would use them one day.  It's almost as if I felt I was doing something good for myself by just having them.  I was kidding myself, I had to use them.  I just had to do it.  I can offer one more example of just doing it and that was with the recipe book my friend gave me so many years ago.  I made the soup last night and tonight I enjoyed the first bowl after two hours walking in the glorious sunshine this evening with my shorts on for the first time this year.  It was nice putting that recipe to use, just like my sneakers which are practically worn out (luckily, I have two other pairs).  It was even nicer enjoying that soup.  If I was at my friend's house, for sure we would have enjoyed that soup in a nice china bowl.  I was happy enough to have it here knowing it was from my own hands.  As promised last night, here is the recipe...Beef Soup...
-small pack of lean ground beef
-2 onions, sliced thinly
-2 sweet potatoes, peeled and cubed
-2 small zucchini, cubed (add last)
-2 stalks of celery, diced
-1 to 2 cups of thinly sliced cabbage
-2 carrots, cut into coins
-1 large can of black or kidney beans
-1 can tomato soup
-2-3 cans boiling water
-Vegeta (spice) to taste or 1 pkg. beef boullion
(if you can't find Vegeta, I've got plenty to share, just contact me)
-cook on stove for 30-40 mins

Enjoy!

Freedom

For the past hour, I watched a fascinating episode of Oprah talking about the freedom riders of fifty years ago.  It's hard to imagine that the world looked that way in what seems just a short time ago, but it did.  When you consider how the people were treated back then, it's easy to see how there was so much hatred in the world.  It made me reflect on my own childhood.  I was not free of similar torment and ridicule.  For reasons that may be obvious to some, there were difficult moments in my earlier years and into my adolescence.  Luckily, I had a grandmother that really demonstrated strength and courage and through her example, I learned to live without fear.  It offered a freedom.  As I watched that show this evening, I did something powerful for myself, a simple act that offered its own freedom.  A friend was here helping me chop the vegetables for the pot of soup that's on my stove.  There's two pots, in fact.  One will travel to my friend's home once it's cooked.  I realize it's a simple and perhaps unusual comparison--a pot of soup to a bus full of freedom riders, but for me, the connection is obvious.  Not too long ago, my stove was never turned on and my meal was from the hands of someone else and it was a less-than-healthy choice.  It only led to suffering and all kinds of it.  Today, my own hands go into my meals.  It offers me health, the promise of long life, and essentially, freedom.  I may not have written like this tonight had it not been for that Oprah episode that showed me that freedom can find itself in the bravery of those who rode that bus and it can find itself in the pot on my stove this evening.  I think I'll share that recipe for this soup with you tomorrow night. 

A Gift to Last

One of the most special gifts I ever received was a cookbook from a very close friend.  Its pages were very colorful and all the recipes were tried and true favorites.  There were recipes for delicious soups, some very nice things you could create with chicken, and of course, some very tempting desserts.  It seems that everything that was contained in that cookbook has a health consciousness to it.  Perhaps the most special thing about this book was that it was all hand written.  Every page was a different color of card stock and each sheet was hole punched with a very lovely ribbon holding all the pages together.  On the front was a very fascinating sheet of paper that seemed to magically draw all the colors together.  There was a message on the inside cover that wished me well on my healthy journey.  I received that gift about five years ago and I admit that I didn't recognize the value of that gift at the time.  For sure, I understood the intention and the love that went into her offering, but at the time, my food consumption was less than impressive.  At the time, my meal typically consisted of something with a heavy dose of fat, sugar, and salt.  This recipe book contains none of that.  It contains all the good recipes that she has gathered over the years and she has passed them onto me.  Now, I find myself curious about what I can make from that cookbook.  In some way, that cookbook has the same meaning of my coming here to write on a daily basis.  The entries that I share are much like the recipes of my own life.  These are things that are working for me.  They may work for someone else as well.  All you have to do is keep turning the page.  If you find something you like, tear it out and keep it for yourself.  I'm still learning and I'm still sharing.  Thank you, again, Miriam, for that very special gift.  Your friendship means so much to me.

The Home Stretch

May 24th will be a day of celebration for me.  It will be exactly one year since I started looking after myself.  The result is still the same--72 pounds gone.  Today, I thought about what I'd like to accomplish within the next three weeks.  I asked myself, would I like to lose a little more weight?  Of course, the answer is yes.  How will I celebrate that night?  While I don't have the answer to that, I just know I will, and I also know the celebration won't be around food.  Sure, there will likely be food present, but it won't be the focus of the event.  If I was just holding my breath so I could pig out that night, the entire spirit of the event would be lost.  When I hit that day, things will still be the same for me.  I will get up in the morning and walk and hopefully, my hands won't turn blue as I'm doing it.  It's been so cold lately.  I think for the next three weeks, I want to focus more on my own cooking.  Admittedly, I have eaten out quite a bit, so it's no coincidence that my weight hasn't changed.  It's time for that to now change.  I was considering taking myself out to dinner this evening but I thought better of it.  I stayed home to soup and, well, that's all I had now that I think about it.  Maybe that's why my stomach is growling at me right now.  Perhaps it's time for a little toast and tea.  I don't need much more than that.  I'll enjoy my cup of tea and think about what the next three weeks will hold for me.  I'll now plan a trip to the supermarket and resume some of my own cooking.  That's a great place to start.

The Power of Thought

I've always believed in the power of my thoughts.  For example, when I started walking last year, I thought back to a time when I wasn't so overweight.  I really imagined that I was still in that body.  I remembered what it felt like.  I remembered the clothes I used to wear.  As I walked, I really believed that body was still mine and what I also believed was that my body would like up quicker with that thought.  I believed that just as important as the exercise and food choices was my mind's belief that I was in a smaller body.  While I can't say for certain that did it, what I know for sure is that the smaller body I imagined came to me a lot quicker than I could have imagined. That got me thinking about my thoughts as they related to food.   It seems that for the first six months, I used to feel so guilty if I ate anything that didn't seem to fit with my weight-loss goals.  Now, I believe that guilt was a thought that turned that food, whatever it was, into extra fat on my body.  I had to walk further and harder just to rid myself of that.   Now, I think about that differently.  There's no more guilt.  That guilt, I believe, is a thought that instantly turns that food to fat on my body.  So, I now choose a different thought, even with the very same food.  There is no longer any guilt.  As a matter of fact, as I'm writing this, I am enjoying a cup full of ice cream--a guilt-free cup as well.  The way I see it, I can look at that ice cream as something I just want to have as a little treat after dinner.  If I looked at that ice cream with guilt, that thought would make that ice cream wrong, and me for wanting it.  When I tell myself I can have whatever I want when I'm hungry, that thought becomes freeing.  The result I notice is that this ice cream no longer has the power over me.  The other result is that I don't actually reach for ice cream as much.  I really don't remember the last time I had it.  A guilt-free thought about this treat is liberating.  Well, I seem to have just finished my little treat.  Delicious!

A Few Rules

This morning, we had a slight burst of spring.  I hesitate to call it summer since we haven't quite caught up the last season, so a slight burst of spring it is.  As I was getting ready for work today, I decided to forego a coat in favor of a very nice black-and-white outfit.  It seems a new pair of black dress pants were in order so there was something about new clothes that brought back good memories.  In my black-and-white outfit, I couldn't help but think back to my university days in which anything in that color combination instantly found its way to my closet.  That was twenty years ago and it was a time when I didn't think of my weight.  It got me thinking about the joy of losing weight to fit into something new.  Of course, that's hardly the way I would want to recommend losing weight, but if it provides an incentive, why not?  It reminded me of when I hear people say that you shouldn't match your artwork in your home with your decor.  Where did that rule come from I wonder?  If it works, then, again, why not?  I can liken that to another rule I've heard for the past few years in which they say women shouldn't match their shoes with their handbag?  Who is that "they", I wonder.  I rather like seeing my mother all dressed up in a very lovely dress with her shoes being a perfect compliment to her purse, and I like to say that because I'm usually the one who has given both to her.  So, enough of those rules, I say.  I'm doing a client's house next week and as a matter of fact, the artwork in the guest room is a perfect match to everything else.  I will continue to applaud my mother's choice to match her black patent leather shoes with its matching bag and as I walk in the morning, I might just think of a very lovely blue suit that I deliberately bought too small for me several months ago.  When that finds its way to my back, you'll be sure to hear about it.  As I head back to work this evening, I'm putting on another wonderful suit that finally fits.  Oh, time to run, I must get ready as I have to be there in an hour.

Something New

As I was shopping today, I could hear the radio being played in the background.  I'm not much of a fan of the music stations with all the loud ads blaring in the background, but I'm glad I listened in today.  Apparantly, Sobeys in Howley Estates is having a grand re-opening and part of what they're now offering is the services of a dietician.  I'm up for that.  On top of that, they're offering it as a free service and there was a suggestion that you could sign up for a ten-week class to boost your knowledge on how to eat right for various conditions, including diabetes.  I happen to know a thing or two about that and now I'd love to find out more.  I'm always thirsty for such information so tomorrow, I'm putting my name down.  That would have happened today, but I went to the wrong Sobeys to inquire.  I guess I've got some learning on where Howley Estates really is.  I think it's wonderful that supermarkets are taking the lead on such things.  I especially like that they are offering the service as a way of giving back to their customers.  It's so easy to see the endless offers that are being made to those struggling with weight issues and how those offers typically come with their hand out.  I get turned off so quickly when the thing that always turns up is the great benefit of the latest thing that's always accompanied by the great cost.  It's almost unbelievable to consider how many people are out there to take advantage of people's weakness and desperation to move away from the weight.  I'm going to give this a shot.  The ten weeks are going to pass anyway and I'm really curious to see what information they can provide.  I think it might just be interesting to discover what else the supermarket has to offer. 

Giving

As I've often said, one of my favorite rooms in my home is my craft room.  I've just come from there.  On Saturday night, I'll be hosting a gift-giving demonstration at House to Home in honor of Mother's Day and it occured to me that not only should I give away things from the shop, but from my home as well.  After all, what mother wouldn't enjoy a lovely teacup, all prettied up?  The second thing I embellished will remain a secret until it's given away that night.  One of the ways in which I enjoy my life and one of the things in which I'm especially known is as a gift giver.  It provides such contentment and such joy to offer even a little something to someone.  On Saturday night, most of the people there will be unknown to me.  The feeling I get will be the same.  I can see it in the looks on their faces and the joy in their eyes as the gift is handed over to them.  As one woman said to me many years ago, Eric, you simply can't give it away.  I knew immediately what she meant.  There was a point in my teacup gathering, for example, at which I decided to give away all the cups I had collected myself and keep only those that were given to me.  I now have at least a hundred from all the people in my life and I admit that I have gathered at least a hundred more.  If the Queen makes her way back to Newfoundland, I'm sure I'll be considered as the perfect host home for a regal tea party.  I served a King once with my china (yes, a real live King) so I guess I really need to round out the experience by setting a table for the female equivalent.   Tomorrow, I like to think I'll be a guest at the famous wedding, so I'll be sat in front of the television with my own teacup in hand.   I think it will be the one my Mom gave me many years ago.  It's among the prettiest I own.  You'll see another one just as pretty on Saturday night.  I can't wait.

20 Years Younger

This evening, I caught the episode of Oprah and she had a wonderful topic of shaving many years off your looks and off your life.  I seem to have dropped about ten years myself so I wondered how I could double up on that.  Essentially, she and her guests talked about the four key areas for this as they saw it and they are nutrition, exercise, skin care, and sleep.  I like to think I've got those four under check.  They recommended 300 minutes of exercise a week and I think I almost do that in a day.  While I'm not totally there on the nutrition side of things, I'm learning.  In terms of skin care, I openly admit that I use a very good cream on face every day after stepping out of the shower.  I started that about twenty years ago and I haven't missed a day.  It's like brushing my teeth.  Even when I was going to the gym and showering there, I had to suck it up if there was another guy watching my facial routine (or maybe they had to suck it up, who knows!).   I think I wrote last night about getting a good night's sleep every night and that I am committed to.  My body wakes up naturally each morning around 6:00 and my day starts fresh.  None of this is to suggest I've got it all figured out.  In terms of the exercise component, I learned that I've got to work more on my core and exercise that part of my body.  While my legs may be in great shape, I can't say the same for my stomach.  There's more work required there.  In terms of my food choices, I'm always learning, and certainly open to learning.  It was a hour well spent.  While I don't watch much television, I'd certainly welcome Oprah anyday into my living room.  In comparison, I never quite understood the appeal of an hour of some grubby individual sweating it out in some survivor land, with only a few bugs to nourish their starving body.  You can have that kind of television for me.  I'm sticking to the programming that supports my living well.  20 years younger and now, only 20 shows left.  I'll keep watching.

Giving Thanks

Even since the earthquake in Japan, I can't help but look at things differently around me.  When I go to bed at night, I stop and think that I am able to do just that, lay in my own bed.  I remember putting myself through university by working nightshifts in a road-side motel and truthfully, I hated every time I had to go to work.  After several years of that, I told myself I would sleep peacefully the very first night I was able to go to bed without having to go to work.  I've slept peacefully ever since and that was almost twenty years ago.  I remind myself of that practically every night as I give thanks for being able to sleep at night.  I can't help but think of one other thing that was so easy to take for granted before and that is, simply turning on my tap and having fresh water pour out of it.  Every time I do that, and I do mean every time, I think of the people of Japan who no longer have that simple luxury.  It makes me wish I could attach a big hose to my sink and have it run all the way around the world to reach the people who really need it.  It's such a simple thing that's so easy to take for granted.  It makes me reconsider other things in my life and give thanks for those.  One of those is the simple fact that I now live with good health so I now ask myself, why jeopardize that?  I spent many years mistreating my body and now I've turned that around.  There's no turning back.  It's much like organizing my home of all the bric-a-brac, I can't imagine then opening the cupboards and pouring all the stuff into the middle of the floor.  These are simple things that I can't help but offer extra thanks for.  I'm actually a little thirsty now.  How easy it now is to get myself a refreshing glass of water before I head to bed in a little bit.  Maybe it's time to say an extra prayer tonight.  One, giving thanks for all the blessings in my life, and another prayer of hope for those who don't have it as fortunate as we do.

Advancements

This morning, I had the delight of preparing an Easter gift bundle for my mother.  The room I do this work in is one of the six bedrooms of my home.  I am at peace in that space, especially when I'm creating something.  As I do this work, I always choose a movie from my huge collection of VHS casettes.  Today, it was a recorded episode of Hart to Hart.  I simply love that show.  As I consider how technology suggests I get rid of all those tapes in favor of DVD's, and then suggests I replace all of that with blue ray versions, I must stop and consider how intelligent all that technology is.  Sure, my tapes take up much more room, but I'm not unhappy with that.  I have the space.  It's the same with my records.  The world suggested that tapes was the way to go until cd's showed up on the scene and now it seems that digital format is the way to go for music.  I'm wondering, though, if all these advancements are really moving us forward.  Sure, I enjoy my MP3 player as I walk, but I rather do enjoy the experience of going to the record player and turning the record over once the first side is played.  There's something nostalgic about the whole thing.  The one thing I love about my VHS tapes is that I can still record from the tv on them and once I take them out of the machine, they keep their place once I put them back in.  DVD's can't boast the same ease of retrieval if you take it out half way through a movie.  It begs the question, are we really getting ahead with all this stuff?  Of course, I liken this to all the advancements in weight-loss products and exercise equipment.  Let's face it, we're fatter than ever and it seems no matter how much money you're willing to pour into your weight-loss products, the results seems fewer than ever before.  Maybe it's time to hold off on the next new thing.  I don't have an IPad nor am I interested in the IPad 2, nor do I think I will ever be interested in that.  I like to think I'm done with believing there is some weight-loss product or machine out there that can expedite what I've known all along.  It's simply effort over time.  Just like getting up to change the record or to actually press stop on the VCR (where is that remote?), all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other.  I'm willing to keep doing that...after all, I'm worth it. 

Easter Eve

In previous years, by now, I'd have a ring of chocolate firmly around my face.  My stomach would ususally hurt from all the chocolate eggs, and there'd be the biggest bowl of candy gracing every table.  Make no wonder I was diagnosed with diabetes exactly eight years ago.  I remember the day well.  It was Easter Sunday and I was preparing to take my parents for brunch at the hotel.  For some odd reason, I had my finger tested for blood sugar and it read 32.9.  That didn't mean anything to me at the time for I felt perfectly fine.  Ten minutes later, I found myself in the emergency room being helped in by two strapping men who saw the seriousness of the experience.  That's where I spent the rest of the day, not being allowed anything to eat.  It took many years later to get that under control.  I'm not sure I'm totally there, but I'm a lot closer than I ever was.  So, in my easter basket tomorrow, there isn't the usual pack of peeps or the marshmallow bunny that I loved so dearly.  As a matter of fact, there isn't an easter basket at all.  I don't need such things anymore.  My day tomorrow will consist of breakfast with a close friend and dinner with family.  There might be a slice of some kind of cake calling my name and I typically answer the call, but just modestly.  I have learned that anything is fair game.  I piece of cake is a lot different that the entire cake (yes, I've done that).  So, it seems like my easter will look decidedly different this year.  It will ensure that I enjoy many, many more.

A Dream of Yesterday

Last night, I had a dream of my first apartment.  It was 1995 and through the kindness of a friend, I was offered a bachelor apartment even though I had no money at the time.  I was out of work and I needed a place of my own.  It was the smallest of apartments on King's Bridge Rd. and though my neighbours all lived in the biggest houses, I believed mine was up there with the best.  It was filled with all the things that mattered to me at the time and though I didn't have one set of china, the atmosphere was beautiful.  Before long, I found a job that filled my Monday to Fridays from 9 to 5.  While I loved my job, I soon discovered that this regular routine was not meant to be mine.  I started my own business the following year.  In my dream, I was brought back to a time that was very gentle.  I remember having to cook my own meals because I couldn't affort to eat out.  I will always remember my employer at the time asking me to treat a special client to a wonderful night out to dinner.  The only dining room I knew of at the time was my own, so I made such a special evening of it.  I was later treated to a special teacup which came all the way from Germany where this man lived.  My dream reminded me of how simple my life was back then.  I cooked all my meals and my tiny freezer held enough food for the coming week.  As I compare that today, my sets to china are endless and my meals, while sometimes at my own hand, are sometimes at the hands of a local reastaurant.  I think my dream last night reminded me that the terrible experience I had out to dinner last night didn't have to be that way.  I have a fully equipped kitchen with the best of everything in it.  It's time to get back to that.  Today is Good Friday.  My meal was with my family today and in observance of this day, there was no meat on the menu.  I'm still full from that earlier meal.  There's an invitation for me to go out and socialize tonight.  Why not, I say!  With the help of a friend earlier, we went through every room to find a home for all the new things that have found their way here.  Even as I was going through my home earlier, I was reminded so much of that earlier time in my dream.  It was a much simpler time.  I liked it.  I have a feeling tonight will bring me back to something else special.  Let's see what this special evening holds.  Until later...

Oh Whoopi

One of my favorite movies has to be "Sister Act".  Whoopi Goldberg is simply brilliant in that role.  The one scene that always brings a smile to my face is where she sits with the other nuns for the first time to share a meal.  "This is terrible", she exclaims and it is only when her plate is taken away from her that she realizes that a little salt might have done the trick.  Believe me, there was no salt shaker that could make up for what was put in front of me this evening.  I decided to have a meal out with a friend and there was this Chinese place we hadn't tried as of yet.  It was terrible.  I had never met a chicken ball I didn't like, until tonight.  It was one of those occasions when you really don't know what to do with the food in front of you.  You then get to the awkward point when the server comes back just to check on you and the familiar phrase, "how's everything" is placed in front of you.  Well, who wants to be cruel?  Sure, there's always a diplomatic way of saying something is a little off, but I haven't come up with the words to say that everything was off.  I lied right through my teeth in my response but I think the fact that most everything was left on my plate told the truth.  As with everything like this, I ask myself the question, what is this here to teach me?  Does this mean my days of fried rice are behind me?  I don't know if I can ever look at another egg roll the same way.  Maybe the universe is telling me that I need to return to my own kitchen.  Since I really didn't have anything to eat, I'm desperately making up for it with the container of yogurt that was in my fridge.  I think I will end up eating the entire half container that's left.  I didn't think I would ever find myself sick of Chinese food, but tonight I am.  Let's see how long that feeling lasts.  In terms of Whoopi, I'm sure she will make me laugh tomorrow.  She's still in my VCR in my craft room where I'll be watching as I make my last Easter gift bundle in the morning. 

A Gym Alternative

Today, I visited the Goodlife gym at Atlantic Place.  I admit it was a little intimidating as I haven't been in the gym in over a year.  Keep in mind, all I did was visit.  I wanted to see if my pass was good for that location and, it is.  What I need is some exercise to get the rest of my stomach flat.  All the walking I've been doing is certainly good for my waistline, but in order to tighten up my stomach, something else is needed.  I don't quite know what that something else is, but I'm certainly willing to find out what that is.  When I find it, I'll share it.  The walking continues in the morning, though I hear that some snow awaits.  Oh well, back to that again.

A Royal Breakfast

For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by the British Royal Family.  I think I must have every book ever published about them.  Perhaps in a past life, I was a member of some aristocratic family so maybe part of that lifestyle still lingers.  With the wedding of the century coming next Friday, the television if full of specials dedicated to the Royal Family.  Tonight, I watched a show all about the food that this family is served.  It's hard to imagine that each one of them isn't three hundred pounds.  You should see what goes into each meal.  That precision in creating reminds me of what I was doing while I was watching that show.  Tonight, I am creating a series of Easter baskets for a client.  My kitchen is an explosion of color and confections of all sorts.  My pride comes from not just the creations that will find their way to that client's office in the morning, but in the fact that no temptation arose from making those bundles.  Ordinarily, there would be one chocolate bunny for the basket and one for my mouth.  The same would be true for those irresistible "peeps".  Boy, could I ever pack them inside of me.  That marshmallow fluffiness was a sensation that I couldn't get enough of, but tonight, each one found its way to the baskets.  While I still have my sweet tooth, I don't exercise it the same way that I used to.  It's taken me a full day to complete those baskets and it might take another two days to clean up the mess!  It makes me wonder if the Royals will have their own Easter-egg hunt.  I wonder what the Queen would say if she could see one of my own creations.  She may have plenty of her own chefs guarding the secrets of each recipe that finds its way to her plate, but I bet she doesn't have a series of Easter baskets with bunny ears peeping out of the top.  I guess if she asked, I'd do some for her, too!

Taking a Stand for Yourself

I sometimes wonder if I have traded my addiction to food for the experience of constant walking.  Tonight, both my legs are sore and my feet hurt to my knees.  It's almost like it's hard to stand up.  Still, I know that when I wake in the morning, I will climb into my walking clothes and I will be downtown by 6:30.  I guess I can't complain.  I had to go shopping today for some new clothes.  Everything I now have is simply too big for me.  Whereas I used to have seven closets bursting at the seams, I now have about seven things to wear.  I don't even mind that I have to wear the same stuff over and over.  When you take a stand for yourself like this, these things happen.  When I go to bed tonight, it will be hard to just walk up over the steps.  Again, I don't mind that.  Even if I am a little addicted to walking, I'd rather have that to live with than the agony of being still addicted to food.  Tonight, I had planned to take myself out to dinner.  I would have come home and got ready all over again, but I settled for a six-inch sub at the end of my walk.  It's all I needed.  I guess it's worth the sore legs, the sore feet, and all the clothes that no longer fits.  You'll get no complaints from me on any of that.

Discovery

Today I smiled and all at once things didn't seem so bad
Today I shared with someone else a bit of hope I had
Today I sang a happy song and felt my heart grow light
And walked a peaceful little mile with not a cloud in sight

Today I worked with what I had and longed for nothing more
And what had seemed like only weeds were flowers at my door
Today I loved a little more, complained a little less
And in the giving of myself, forgot my weariness

What Work?

Today, I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in some years.  She was noticeably pregnant and I joked how I used to look like someone who was ready to drop twins.  She asked me what I was doing this evening and I told her I was headed to work.  When she asked me what work I was doing, I stopped and realized that I call it work, but it really isn't.  Tonight, I hosted an Easter gift-giving demonstration at House to Home in Mt. Pearl.  I spent the day thinking of inventive ways to prepare Easter gifts and I had the entire inventory of the shop at my disposal.  It felt wonderful.  Throughout that full hour, the audience seemed to gasp with delight.  How could there be anything greater to do as a career?  That is the feeling I will carry with me throughout the rest of this evening.  What an amazing day.  Imagine, that kind of life is available to anyone who simple has to tap into what they really love to do.  When you align your passion with your career, it no longer becomes work.  I could still be there, creating one exciting gift after another and still handing them out.  Maybe I'll do a few more here.  After all, there's one whole week to Easter.  Time to get cracking!

What a Difference a Day Makes

All it took was one dinner out tonight to make me feel sick.  I think I've been doing too much of this lately.  I really feel lousy so that's about all I can say.  It's time for bed. 

Faceoff

One of the things I've really struggled with since starting this regime almost a year ago is shedding the image that I'm still living in an overweight body.  Even though I'm down 72 pounds (probably more since I haven't really weighed in several weeks), there's times I still feel overweight.  I watched a recent episode of Oprah and her guest that day was Jennifer Hudson who admitted to having lost 80 pounds.  She told Oprah that it took her mind a while to catch up to the realization of that weight loss.  As a matter of fact, she still felt she was overweight.  I could relate completely.  Even thought the jogging pants that I wear as I walk are a size small, my mind hasn't really caught up with that.  I like to think that changed today.  For the first time, yes, really for the first time, I looked in the mirror and say a smaller face looking back.  It was in a client's shop and at first I thought I must be looking in some kind of magic mirror.  I wondered if I could find one of those for myself.  I caught myself catching glimpses of my reflection throughout the day and surprisingly, the result was the same each time.  I now see a smaller me.  I started seeing it yesterday when I was sat down in my t-shirt after I walked in the morning.  There's no describing this feeling.  It's really starting to hit home.  Of course, I've heard it a thousand times from other people but as much as it was nice hearing that, I really needed to hear it from myself.  Today, my own voice spoke volumes.  It made is so easy to walk to that full three hours this evening.  My dinner was slight and I still feel nourished.  Imagine, a smaller me, at last!

Politics

It seems to me there is more hatred in this election than in any other I can remember.  It's to the point where I can hardly listen to someone stating their case when all that's involved is slamming the other person.  What ever happened to standing for something you believe in and just going with that?  It reminds me of when I started my own path to enlightenment almost a year ago.  I decided I wasn't going into this with any hatred.  I wasn't going to hate my reflection, or my suit that was too tight, or that fast-food restaurant and just pumpted out one fried offering after another.  I knew that kind of thinking would get me nowhere.  I first had to embrace every last pound that I had and every last inch that was on my body.  Sure, it might have been difficult to stand in front of a mirror, but I at least made up my mind that I wouldn't hate what was staring back.  I didn't want that kind of energy in my life.  Sure, I wanted to change, but I didn't want to only believe in what I could become.  I had to embrace where I was and to be thankful for that.  I needed to love all that I was and from the place where I had come.  I knew there would only be joy in my life.  As I walked and I watched my body change, more joy found its way to me.  I stood for who I was and I didn't want my conversation to offer anything other than pure joy and pure love.  That seems to be missing in so much that's around me.  Rather than stating what they are actually standing for, one political leader is taking a shot at another.  I don't know what there is to gain from that.  If I was running for political office, I would embrace my opponent rather than try and knock him down and I would stand proud in who I was and what I was standing for.  It's worked for me with my life, I bet it would work for them too.  Let's see what's to come of all of this.

Mother and Child

Just when you think spring is here, you get dumped with a morning full of freezing cold rain, and yes, I walked for the full hour and a half in it.  When it came time to walk again this evening, the rain was reduced to just a drizzle but the cold was still there.  I guess you can have a high tolerance for such weather conditions but there is a threshold.  I reached mine just about the time I reached the "open" sign at the Afghan Restaurant.  It's the kind of place that if you didn't know it was there, you'd never know it was there.  It's on Duckworth St. and takes up the space of about one car parking spot.  There's just six very small tables inside of which each is able to seat two.  I had been there before last summer but I admit my patronage over the winter had been waning.  I was glad for the cold for in I went.  I was immediately reminded of the kind lady who prepares the food and her gracious son who brings the food to your table.  It's a fascinating study in cultural commitment to business for the pair are there six days a week as they work in such a very tiny space.  One thing is for sure, the food is delicious.  It's much like Indian cuisine and I sat there, guilt free, knowing each item on my plate was prepared with love.  As I sat there with my jacket off, I couldn't help but notice how much smaller I looked and felt.  I guess when you're walking three hours a day (less one hour on a cold night like tonight) the weight is going to come off eventually.  Sometimes, it takes a tight t-shirt to remind you of just how far you've come.  The meal was piping hot and wonderful.  One generous tip later and I was out the door.  Tonight, it really felt like they felt my cold and they took me in out of the weather to warm me up.  I think I'm going to have to visit that very sweet mom and son more often.

the 18th

Tonight, I passed a little time watching the new Oprah Winfrey Network called OWN.  The show that I caught a bit of is somewhat of a disappointment.  It's called "What Would You Do?".  I'm surprised that Oprah would endorse a show like that.  In my opinion, it is in poor taste and exploits very real situations and human emotions.  The only good thing to come out of watching that was to learn that on the 18th, there is a new show coming on that network called "Addicted to Food".  I'm very anxious to see how they will approach this topic.  I like to think I could produce a show of my own on that.  There is always something new to learn and something new to share.  Tonight, I will do just that.  What I have discovered about food addictions is that there is always a trigger and then there is the response to turn to food to deal with that.  Once I became aware of my triggers, I was able to resist the temptation.  Perhaps the greatest accomplishment has been to watch as even the temptation washes away, which it precisely did this evening.  If ever I was going to turn to food, tonight was the night.  It would have typically been the time when I would turn to all kinds of junk food, but proudly, I didn't.  The great thing about this is, it wasn't even resisting the food, I simply didn't have the inclination to turn to it.  I'm extremely proud of that.  You see, the trigger doesn't really go away.  You get to stare it in the face, just as I did this evening.  You feel the emotion of that and then you get to see how you choose something more powerful for yourself in the matter of that emotion.  I'll be anxious to see if this new show addresses that issue.  I'm always so anxious to learn, especially about something that affects my life, or should I say, that gives me life.  Yes, that is how I shall see it, that which gives me life.

Cake Boss

As I was growing up, one of my favorite things about birthdays, especially mine, was the cake.  The cake always had to come from Woolworth's where I always wanted my one-inch-thick icing to turn into two.  Since the close of Woolworth's many years ago, the delight of a birthday cake has been a much diluted experience for me, that is, until last night.  The birthday cake that greeted the guests upon arrival was simply a work of art.  It really needed to be in an art gallery and not my stomach.  I had never seen anything so spectacular.  It was like looking at the best Christmas tree I had ever created and then discovering it was fully edible.  There's no way to describe this cake other than to say it was a masterpiece.  Tonight, I'm suffering from the indulgence of one too many pieces.  But, how do you say no to such a good friend on her birthday when all she wants is for you to enjoy another piece?  I think my learning is in just that, saying no, or more politely, no thank you.  Tonight, my stomach actually hurts and the result of all that sugar is taking a well deserved hit on my brain.  I guess when you don't eat such things in such quantities for such a while, you can really notice it when one piece turns into another, and so on and so on.  Yes, I am fully willing to admit that the enjoyment kept on going.  I am also willing to admit that right in this moment, I am comletely sick of cake.  I think I had my fill for the next ten birthdays--mine and everybody else's.  Oh, the hold that piece of cake had on me.   Was it worth it--right now, I don't think so.  As it was going down, certainly.  So, this is about the time you live with the deep regret of all that sugar and all those carbohydrates.  I'm sure I will be into the next two days walking that off.  Oh well, my fault.  Maybe the next time, I'll silently make my own wish and hand the knife to someone else.

A Gift

Both this morning and just now, I was treated to a burst of sunshine as I walked.  It was especially noticeable this morning for it came as such a surprise, almost a gift.  All of a sudden, there was this immediate sensation of warmth that was in sharp contrast to what I've felt for so many months.  For the first time, I was tempted to lay out in it.  While the wind was decidedly cold, the sun's rays reminded me that spring is just around the corner, no matter what the calendar already says.  So, who doesn't love a nice gift, especially an unexpected one?  The warmth of that sun this morning really felt like it.  I admit, there's times I get fed up with walking in the cold, especially the freezing cold that'e enough to skin you in this city.  I was then reminded of some other gifts that have come my way.  Being able to sew in my coat the other day was one.   Hopping into that suit several weeks ago was another.  Hearing my mother say, just yesterday, how proud she is of what I've accomplished was, indeed, something worth sharing.  So, tonight, there is another gift waiting to unfold.  There is a surprise party for a dear friend and I get the opportunity to hop in that same suit.  Going out tonight is yet another gift I give myself.  I do it with my head held high and all the confidence in the world.  Maybe there just might be a gift waiting for me as well.  Let's see what the evening holds.

Integrity

Whenever I have a meeting in my design business, the one thing you can be guaranteed of is that I'll be there on time.  You can pretty much set your watch by me.  I've always been like that.  From a business perspective, one of the ways you can have an advantage is simply by honoring your word.  That seems to be missing all over the place.  It's interesting when we consider our word, we are often the ones that get put last in terms of our promises.  It seems that if someone asks us for a favor and we say yes, we generally live into that.  However, that seems to fall apart whenever we make a promise to ourselves.  Take, for instance, when we promise to eat better, exercise more, no more this or no more that...and I could go on.  The thing for me is I don't want to make promises to myself that I don't intend to keep.  I keep it easy.  I walk three hours a day and while that's easy for me, I know it wouldn't be for most.  I gave up diet soft drink but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have one ever again.  It's the same about junk food.  It's not a staple in my everyday food consumption, but I will have it whenever I want it and as of late, the frequency is lesser and lesser.  I make those promises to myself, promises to do things, to avoid things, and to allow myself things.  I keep all those promises to myself.  It keeps me sane.  If I was to say there would never be another potato chip pass my lips, that would likely be the end of my word on that.  I keep it real.  It sees me through.

Fabulous Fifty

Last night, I recorded the episode of Oprah and got to it this evening.  For the past year, my mind has been open to new ways of being and new ways of eating, especially new ways of eating.  One of those new ways showed up in that Oprah episode.  It was all about following the Vegan way of eating.  Essentially, it consists of restricting all food products that come from animals, so no eggs, cheese, meat, etc.  At first glance, that might sound impossible.  After all, how could your possibly survive with only fruits and vegetables.  Of course, there is a whole lot more available to you.  I read a book a month or so ago about reversing diabetes and the jist of the book was essentially an encouragement to follow a vegan diet.  It took three hundred pages to get to that.  They got my forty-six bucks and I got the message that could have been delivered on page one.  I have kept an open mind to it ever since.  You see, I live with diabetes and I have watched it come under better control over the past year.  The weight in my stomach was the worst situation I could have found myself in and happily, I've managed to turn that situation around.  In that episode last night, they took a reformed carnivore through the supermarket and offered all the wonderful alternatives that can fit into a vegan diet.  I haven't seen such selections here, but then again, I haven't been on the hunt.  I don't know if I'm ready to fully commit to such a thing, but I am willing to explore the possibility.  That's not to say I will never pull up to a drive-thru window ever again and ask for something that walked the earth, with the works, but I'll keep an open mind to a new way of eating.  The way I see it, I've got at least another fifty years of living to try such things.  One things is for sure, you'll hear about it if I ever take a walk away from the wild side.

Sew Wonderful

When I was just a young boy, my mother purchased a sewing machine from Sears.  I watched in fascination as a machine that just sent a needle up and down could create some amazing fashions.  It took a while for me to realize that it was the hands of the one doing the sewing that created all of those wonderful things.  Before long, I wanted to try my hand at sewing.  Soon, I discovered I was pretty good at it.  The ability to create something out of practically nothing really fascinated me.  I then put that talent to use while in university where I was known to make a lot of my own clothes.  Once I discovered how to manipulate a pattern, I could create almost anything.  I then turned that skill to home fashions and my simple drapery designs soon became rather interesting creations.  As my business grew, I then farmed that work out so my time at my mother's sewing machine was limited.  You can imagine my delight when I found pretty much the exact machine at a flea market last year in its own carrying case.  Straight out of the seventies, the man who sold it to me claimed it purred like a kitten.  He was right.  One year later, I took out that sewing machine and created fourteen drapery panels.  I was at it all day.  How nice to remind myself of a hobby I thoroughly enjoyed.  I was also reminded of something else and that was, how easy it is to recreate a piece of clothing.  I was reminded of the coat I wore last night as I walked and how it was getting just a little too big for me.  I went to the front closet and with wide eyes, I brought that jacket to the machine.  I thought to myself, why not take it in a few inches on each side, so I did.  It took all of about five minutes to turn my size medium coat into something that would closely resemble a small.  It zipped up snugly and perfectly.  When I walked this evening downtown, I couldn't help but remind myself of how proud I was walking on the first day of school in my new clothes back then.  The entire hour and a half went by effortlessly.  I could have kept on walking but dinner awaited.  I had to push the sewing machine to one side as I took my salad and chicken, but I think I'll keep it on the kitchen table for a while.  I think I've got a few piece of clothing left in the closet that could do with a re-fit.  Just imagine how good I'm going to look this summer.  I can't wait!

A Dream of a Wedding

Today, I visited a friend's blog to discover some very beautiful pictures of a Wedding she helped with last year.  It was incredible to see all the beautiful photos and how stunning everything looked once it all came together.  It reminded me of the work I used to do with Weddings.  Two years ago, I planned and decorated for a Wedding that took a full year to coordinate.  The results were incredible.   Seeing my friend's pictures today reminded me of all the work and all the planning that went into such events.  I loved every minute of it.  It got me thinking.  I can so easily compare that process of planning and decorating that Wedding to my own life's journey.  Next month will be one year since I started really living.  Living this way has almost seemed like a dream, but I know it's real because I've still got the chill in my body from walking earlier this evening.  The rain that was beating on me was freezing cold and it even penetrated the scarf that continues to find its way around my forehead.  Half way around, I felt like hopping back in the car, but I didn't.  I kept on going and once I was finished, I was proud of what I had accomplished.  I stopped into one of the coffee shops for a hot cup of tea and while I was enjoying that, with my scone, I perused the Snap magazine and wouldn't you know, there I was, in all my shimmery loveliness.  It was the picture that was taken of me several weeks ago at the Village Mall's fashion show.  I recall writing about how good I felt in that new suit that day, and earlier, I got to see how that acutally looked.   My suit looked regal.  I could have been going to my own Wedding.  I know that's going to happen.  Maybe I just needed to punch in a full year of this with me first.  Let's see what the universe has in store for me!

Support

The power of the univers has always fascinated me.  More that I am religious and more than I am spiritual, it is my belief in universal energy that I believe supports me.  When understanding support, it's easy to see the immediate examples that are around you.  For example, I had a friend visit last night who brought some very healthy dessert options.  While I may have lost my weight, I certainly haven't lost my sweet tooth.  I remember a time when I could sit to the full of a lemon pie.  Image all the sugar contained within.  Even living with diabetes, I believed I could beat the odds and have an extra piece every once in a while.  Maybe those once in a whiles were a little more frequent than I care to admit, but last night, a healthy, delicious alternative was presented to me.  Now, I just have to learn how to spare them along.  I think I washed out the empty container earlier this evening (they were just divine!).  Of course, there's always another friend who will gladly create a pot of soup and drop it off to my door upon request.  That support is wonderful and it is so recognizable.  There's also another support out there and it is less easy to recognize and that is, the support from the universe.  I believe when your intention is pure, the universe will be behind you all the way.  It's kinda like this, if you recall buying a new car in a shiny shade of silver, all of a sudden you start seeing all kinds of silver cars out there and all kinds of cars like yours.  It seems like what you focus on expands.  The same is true for looking after yourself.  Our bodies want us to be healthy.  The world wants that for us too so it stands behind us.  The universal support shows up in ways like one last parking spot being available as you look for a spot to park your car downtown as you begin your walk.  It shows up on a day when you just don't feel like walking for another minute then all of a sudden, there's this person you don't really know, but that person stops you on your trek just to say how good you look.  It also shows up in the way the supermarket that is just around the corner from your house always seems to have a freshly made salad awaiting your arrival, even if it is the last one in the bin.  Of course, I could go on and list another hundred examples of the support that is all around me.  I also believe it comes from one more source and that is, from the person who is reading this right now, the person who is wishing me well and sending all their good energy my way.  To that person, I say thank you.

In Praise of Housework

One of the things I insist on each day is a well made bed.  Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it, to make your bed each day and, indeed, it is.  Yet, not everyone takes the time to do such a thing.  I've been in many houses where the covers are just thrown over and in many other houses where you have to kick your way to the bed.  I offer this example to illustrate the point I'd like to make about the learning I've been engaged in for the past seven years.  It's called Ontology and it is the study of "being".  Essentially, you can ask yourself the question, who are you being in the matter of your life?  In the example I gave of keeping a tidy bedroom, who I am being in the matter of my home is someone who is deeply committed to having everything tidy, comfortable, and organized.  Ask any mother who she is being in the matter of her child and you will discover someone who is deeply committed to her offspring and would likely do anything for that child.  It is my study in Ontology that has brought me to myself.  I now ask the question, who am I being in the matter of my health?  That's an easy one to answer as I can see my commitment in its broadest form.  Who I am being is someone deeply committed to my life, my health, and my well being.  Just as I make my bed and tidy my home each day, I do the same things for my life.  My life consists of solid exercise each day.  My body asks for nourishing food and I do my best to give it what it needs.  I can liken my commitment to myself as similar to that of a mother's commitment to her child.  Sadly, I have noticed that so many of us do so much for others and we seem unwilling to do even a fraction of that for ourselves.  That is one of the big changes in my life--I now put myself first.  Today, I enjoyed the benefits of a long walk, even though it came in what seemed like a raging snowstorm at 6:30 this morning.  I treated myself to good food today and to some wonderful comany this evening.  I now get to head to bed where I know a perfectly made bed awaits.  That's who I am being in the matter of my life.  It will ensure I have a good one for many, many years.

A Good Recovery

There will always be times when things go wrong and I've long accepted that.  What I look for beyond the incident is how the individual handles that.  Tonight, I experienced for the first time the new restaurant at the Sheraton called Oppidan.  The name might have been a little unusual and as such, I didn't quite know what to expect.  What I discovered was an amazing experience, wonderful food, along with the company of a dear friend.  At the risk of making this blog seem like a restaurant review, it was certainly worth talking about.  My soup could have been a little hotter and while my whipped potatoes were less than warm, one forkful of my friend's risotto convinced me that this food was incredible.  Still, I was a little disappointed in the temperature of some of the things that came out, and I discreetly shared this with our waiter who was more than willing to replace my plate.  It wasn't necessary.  My fork found its way to warm satisfaction in my friend's plate.  All of a sudden, I was presented with my own, very piping hot bowl of that rice dish.  It reminded me that they certainly did care, even when I was willing to settle for something less that what I had expected.  It was a great recovery on their part and certainly prompted me to share the experience.  As a matter of fact, I believe I could speak more hightly of the experience based on the initial setback.  I guess that's the thing, we are not always perfect and things around us can sometimes go wrong.  I certainly experience that in my work, both in my capacity and on the other end.  In the matter of that, it's all about the recovery and tonight was a shining example of how little it took to make me a very satisfied guest.  Good for you, Oppidan, we'll be back.

The Power of the Potato

Tonight, a good friend returned to Newfoundland and let's face it, who wants to come back home with nobody to greet them at the airport.  I knew it was my duty.  That led to an impromptu dinner out and as suspected, most of the downtown restaurants were bursting at the seams.  It only took a little hike down Water St. to find a restaurant with a table in the window so in we went.  One thing I really love is interesting conversation so the entire evening was spent on a broad range of topics, one of which was the food on our plate.  The soup to start was well made but could have used a few degrees more to make it piping hot.  The sandwich that followed came with a choice of side and then came the moment when you stop to consider that half a plate of french fries would likely be in order.  I really don't remember the last time I ate a french fry, but tonight, I was having them.  A conversation soon followed on whether that was the best choice, so I was up front in stating that it clearly wasn't.  But in that moment, I really wanted french fries as my side.  Here's what I believe.  If I was to resist those fries as if they were the worst things in the world, no matter how much I may have wanted them, the fries win.  As long as you tell yourself that you can no longer have that desirable something that may find its way to your plate, that something wins.  What I now tell myself is that I can have whatever I want and I only eat it when I'm hungry (real hunger, that is, not the kind of hunger you believe is there late at night when something's on your mind).  I really do say that to myself.  In the matter of that, the food no longer has the hold that it once did.  What I've discovered is that the freedom to have whatever I want offers just that--freedom.  Now I am in control, not the food.  What I've also discovered is that the frequence of my consuming those kinds of foods has diminished considerably.  Just as I've said, I don't remember the last time I ate a french fry.  I'm pretty sure they won't be on my plate tomorrow nor anytime soon.  My desire for those kinds of food has changed so much.  Even with Chinese food.  For so long, that was the enemy, now I tell myself I can have it whenever I want and even as often as I want (again, as long as I'm eating to satisfy real hunger).  Again, I would have to think to the last time I had that.  For the most part, my choices are good ones but I won't make the french fry bad or wrong because it was on my plate tonight.  They were actually quite good.  I shared them, by the way, so only half the guilt was actually consumed.

Fly Me to the Moon

What an interesting day this turned out to be.  I knew I was in for a very long work day that started quite early so my walk this morning had to start earlier, too.  As I was finishing at around 7:30, I noticed that the sign on the new "Rocket" bakery downtown said they were opening at 7:30 as well, so in I went.  For those of you unfamiliar with this place, it is the old Auntie Crae on Water St.  As it turned out, I had the distinction of being their first customer and as such, they asked if they could take my picture.  How do you resist that?  Even with my scarf tied around my forehead and a full suit of black walking gear, I proudly flashed a smile for the camera.  I can only imagine what I looked like after an early-morning walk with the cold impacting my rosy cheeks.  But, alas, there is another place for a hot cup of tea in the morning.   I recognized the chef and after a brief chat, I was proud to learn that they had some wonderful things they were offering from their kitchen.  Their bakery seemed filled with frosting delights, so as much as I wanted to put at least a half dozen on my plate, I opted out of that.  Still, those cupcakes were calling my name.  I think I'll have to try one tomorrow morning.  Tomorrow is another heavy work day but I will rise early once again and my trek downtown will eventually find me back to Rocket's door.  I like the energy there and the familiar face from another coffee house calling me by name made me feel welcomed.  I guess I can consider that it's off to the moon for me in the morning.  Oh, isn't that one of the best episodes from Sesame Street when Ernie sings "Oh, I'd like to visit the moon."  You can find it on You Tube.  It's just the best song ever.  I wonder if that cupcake will measure up.  I'll let you know...

Someone Else's Kitchen

Let's face it, there's time when you just don't want to stand in front of your stove and cook your own meal.  I felt like that this evening after I walked.  I just wanted to enjoy someone else's cooking, but whose, I wondered.  If I'm going to trade nourishment for dollars, it's got to be good.  When I look back at the food choices I made in the past, I don't have to look any further than photos of me during that time.  Let's face it, I was heavy.  Over the past ten months, I've punched in a lot of hours beating the streets and losing the weight and now it seems, I'm still punching in time as I maintain that weight.  The choices I make now have got to be good ones.  It was easy to decide where to go for dinner this evening.  All I had to do was drop into Belbin's which is just around the corner from where I live.  They have a brilliant section called "Dinner's Ready" and I can't say enough good about their food.  Whether it's fresh or frozen, you can be sure it's made with the greatest care and ingredients you can pronounce.  How simple can that be.  There's often a temptation to pick up the popular frozen brands from other supermarkets, the ones with all the fancy packaging and irresistible names, but when you look at what's inside, you sometimes have to question if that's the stuff we should be putting in our bodies.  The pita pizza I had tonight from Belbin's was fabulous.  You really have to give them credit.  It's perhaps the only supermarket left in the city that offers to take your groceries to your car, and that's even if you have just a few bags.  The prices are certainly reasonable, especially when you consider all that goes into the food preparation, especially their soups, which are simply divine.  As it turns out, I still have half that pita pizza in the fridge.  I think I was saving it for Republic of Doyle which starts in just one minute.  Off I go...

Food as an Addiction

It seems like for so many years, I've had people around me who are struggling with addictions.  Some are to food while others are to alcohol and drugs, so before I say the first word on either subject, let me be abundantly clear that I am not an addictions expert.  What I am about to say is my own feelings on the subject.  Some may feel I am way off here while others may agree.  This is my opinion on the topic and thankfully, we live in a world where we are free to express that opinion.  Here's the way I see it.  For those with a food addiction, it shows up on every inch of our body and it shows up as shame within us.  I've never met one overweight person who at some point, didn't wish to have the weight off.  When food is your addiction, you have to first understand the addictive nature of food, then you have to change your eating habits.  Then, you've got to spend days, then weeks, then months, trying to get the weight off.  It can be so painfully difficult.  I recently coached a friend through his addiction to cigarettes.  All he had to do after that was put them down.  There was no hundred pounds to then try and take off.  If he decides to put down the cigarette, it would seem to me he's free.  Of course, there's always the very real effect of the smoking on the body, but you can't always see that at first glance.  It's the same as a friend I know with an addiction to drugs and alcohol.  It's so easy to hide that from the world, unless you're in that person's company at 2:00 in the morning when they hardly know who they are.  Again, I have noticed that the same shame does not show up on that person's body to the same degree.  In some way, I've always felt cursed because of the weight.  Now that it's gone, I can celebrate the fact that my body doesn't look the same as it once did.  Perhaps that's the real difference when we overcome our food addictions.  It really shows on us and people really take notice.  Sadly, the mind takes a while to catch up.  I may have lost 72 pounds but the mind sometimes feels it's still trapped in an overweight body.  I felt that way tonight which is why, I guess, I was prompted to write about this.  Essentially, our brains are addictive brains and it would seem like we've all got something.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone who lives with any kind of addiction.  The way I see it, I'm no different than them. 

Back on Track

All it took was one pound gained to snap me back into reality.  After a few days away from my routine of three hours walking per day, I'm back on track.  That one extra pound is already gone.  I will forever recall how I felt about that one pound and for sure, the next time I lose one pound, you won't hear me say, oh, it's just one pound.  Sure, it would be easy to blame all the snow we had recently, but the truth is, it wasn't the snow that kept me away, after all, I would have had no trouble even walking in it.  I had a shift in consciousness last Wednesday.  Again, it was as simple as a thought.  It's incredible how powerful our thoughts are.  But, really, I missed walking.  I missed the feeling it gave me (must be true about the endorphins) and I certainly missed the feeling I had at the end of each hour-and-a-half jaunt.  Of course, I didn't miss the icy sidewalks (Duckworth St. businesses are so different than Water St. ones whereby it seems every last flake of snow has been cleared away), but I just take it slower and more careful on the upper leg of my journey.  I admit it felt a little different today.  I always walked feeling like I was waiting for someone at the finish line, someone who would be cheering me on, but I've let go of that.  Now, I am truly walking for myself.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having someone in the back of your mind, as inspiration, but even that someone can't come before yourself.  Today, I put myself first.  I feel so much lighter already.  Now, it seems my thought has shifted from walking to lose the weight to walking to maintain the weight.  I'm still not sure what the best thing to eat after a long walk is.  There's times I reach for some old cheddar cheese and there's times I grill some chicken breast.  I've even been known to stop in for a slightly toasted tea biscuit with a cup of tea.  I admit, I still have few answers when it comes to what is best to nourish my body after such intense exercise, but I'm learning.  Dr. Oz's book is turning out to be a wonderful read.  I think I'll turn in early tonight and catch a few more pages of that.  After all, I've got an early rise tomorrow.  In no time, it will be 6:00 and my day will start again, along with my walking.  I don't really mind reaching the finish line on my own.  At least I've made it this far.

One Pound

On the surface, losing one pound doesn't seem like a really big deal.  After all, it's just one pound.  Well, how about if that same one pound was the one you gained?  Now, if you're like me, that one pound takes on a whole new meaning.  I usually weight myself once a week and as of late, I have seen two pounds come off.  Well, it's time for me to admit that I just got comfortable and lazy.  As I look back on the past week, I had dinner out one night that consisted of hamburgers and french fries and I admit, they went down with pure delight.  The next night, in a storm, I found myself at a restaurant with a special friend where I enjoyed three, um, four courses.  Late last night I found my way into a sub shop for what I thought was a healthy choice when I should really be questioning is anything really a healthy choice at midnight.  This morning, it was breakfast out with a friend and breakfast out with anyone is never on the top of a healthy-eating list.  This afternoon, I discover that I am up one pound.  Oh, I forgot to add that I haven't walked since Wednesday.  It's a wonder I'm not up five more.  So, this is the time I get to put it all on pause, rewind a little, and see what I've done over the past week.  I guess these choices are ones I sometimes make through the week, but when you're walking three hours a day, it doesn't seem to matter.  I don't remember the last time I gained weight.  While it's only a pound, it's in the wrong direction.  This is going to change.  The one thing I can't do is go back to all the walking and then use that as an excuse to eat out with the wrong things on the plate.  Who would I be kidding to do that?  I admit, I did miss my walking and even though the sidewalks are snowy downtown again, I can either slow it down on the snow or find another route.  I'll think about that this evening.  For now, I won't beat up on myself too much.  I'll accept the truth of this, give thanks for catching this before it went to five pounds, and commit to doing better.  I'm sure things will be back to normal before long.