Being Real

When I named this blog, The Authenticity Movement, I meant it.  Getting real about what's going on means being honest about when things are flowing nicely and when things seem to be flowing straight down the toilet.  After all, anyone who goes through such a process of change will undoubtedly experience breakdowns.  Here it is, Sunday evening, and I'm right in the middle of mine.  I'd now like to share that with anyone who's listening.  The first thing I'm going to do is recognize that this is a natural part of overcoming this addiction, or perhaps, any addiction.  The issue that has brought me to food over the past number of years was staring me right in the face earlier this evening.  It came without warning.  It's now up to me whether I give into that feeling (which means a phone call for Chinese takeout) or whether I choose something more powerful for my life.  You see, that's what kept me overweight for years--not wanting to deal with the pain that was right in front of me.  I denied that feeling and I pushed it down with food every time.  It is so easy for me to see how the knock on the door with the delivery driver on the other end put a quick end to that misery.  With the first bite of a sweet-and-sour-laced chicken ball, the pain was gone.  I then had all the rest of them to devour along with fried rice and egg rolls to keep that sweet feeling going.  The situation only got worse from there.  That is one of the things I have learned about the cycle of fear and how we tend to avoid it by turning to our addiction of choice.  Mine just happened to be food and it was obvious to the world.  It's not so easy to hide this addiction. We wear our shame.  I know that for sure.  So, tonight, I've decided that rather than avoid that feeling and push it down with unnecessary food, I'm going to feel it... not feed it but feel it.  Believe me, it's not easy.  It's intense and it's uncomfortable and it's real.  Tonight, my only choice is to walk right through that fire and to feel what's there and to try and understand it.  I won't choose food that my body doesn't need.  I had a very healthy salad earlier that I took great care in preparing.  On top of that, I've decided to do one more good thing for myself.  I've decide to write about this and the minute I hit "publish post", this goes out to the world.  Nobody want to talk about issues like this.  If I'm committed to being real as I said in my opening blog entry, then this post is just as important as all the other more joyous ones.  I know this feeling will pass.  I know I will be proud of myself by morning, proud that I resisted that familiar phone call, and especially proud as I get ready to walk again.  It's calling for snow.  Let it fall.  It won't stop me.  Goodnight everyone...